my family

it is really depressing coming from a broken family. well, i have grown to be indifferent to mine anyway-- my biological family i should say. i guess chinese families are really destined to be superficial and prone to break-ups. but mine is much worse.

when i was a young kid, i was living such an ideal life. yes, i was used to my mom shouting at my dad, and my dad quietly keeps his anger to himself, and my eldest brother cursing me putangina over and over again, but still, i did my part as a thoughtful daughter. i never failed to give gifts and greeting cards to all the members of my family, from my dad and my mom, to all of my four older brothers. however, in spite of that, they were never appreciative of my efforts except for my second brother. i would often catch my mom misplacing my gifts and cards. and the way she says thank you is obviously not sincere. nevertheless, i still continued being a good daughter.

it was during my high school years when things in our family got even worse than how it was. during second year high school, there was a big fight between my mom and my dad. when my lolo and lola (my parents' grandparents in their wedding--they're filipinos by the way, and i love them so much.) asked us kids what we wanted to happen to them. i remember saying that, "well if they're going to fight and get separated in the future anyway, then let them separate now." it didn't happen though. they still continued fighting like cats and dogs but life was supposed to go on for us.

the following year came, and another tragedy happened. it was a friday night, and my second brother was kicked out of the house by my mom and dad. personally, i thought of that event as one of the worse that happened in our family. he was my closest brother. he really knew me inside out and he took care of me. he was the nicest among us, and yet, he got kicked out. because we used to have saturday classes in school, i wasn't aware of what happened until i got home. no one from my family, not even my parents, told me about it. it was our guard who broke to me the bad news. i remembered crying silently. i didn't know what to do. i felt helpless.

after, most of the office and house responsibilities were divided between me and my eldest brother. but since he had another job, i took over helping in the family business. there were nights when i was forced to finish paper works even if i had long tests and school papers due the following day. but because i knew that it was an obligation on my part as a daughter, i still contined doing so. even if i requested to my mom that i might need to stop, she wouldn't let me. because i didn't want to add to problems, i didn't fight with her. i just kept my silence.

that continued even during college years. it just stopped last year when we closed shop. relationships in the house were getting worse and worse. my dad had to leave for some reasons and for more than five months he hasn't shown up. my mom and i would fight often lately because i could no longer be tolerant of her abuses to me and to other people. my eldest brother of course never failed to take her side, so we would fight too. and since my second brother is not around to help me when i need it, i turn to my friends instead.

it's so difficult living in a place where there's so much hostility. come to think of it, i have decided to be aloof myself. and my mother complains about me being bastos when i speak up and when i shut up. labo. she can't accept the reality that all of us definitely got affected with all the problems and it's so difficult for us to move on. my treatment towards her has definitely changed. i don't want to remain patient with her because it's obvious that she tends to abuse it. it's so frustrating that it's your own family that's destroying your dreams, when they're supposed to be helping you build it. in my case, my life would be way better if i'm not with them.