thoughts on friendship

song playing: swept away, and only when i leave--paolo santos' version.

last night, i had a dream. it's too sensitive so i couldn't really share it. anyway, i woke up before the ending. the bad ending is the one that i keep on thinking about. and until this moment, the pessimistic thought remains. shet. mangyari na ang lahat, wag lang yun.

anyway, it's been a week since my "friend" and her boyfriend pissed me off. thankfully, i am gradually recovering with the help of my good friends. it's just sad that after almost two years of good friendship, i decided to let it go. i no longer found any reason to stay. she didn't give me. she actually made me realize that she's just not a "friend" to me. well, i'm getting better with coping. i just don't know if it's because the person whom i had to let go wasn't really that important, or the things that she did were too painful, or maybe i'm just tired of understanding people in general.

lately, i have been thinking about friendships in general. honestly, if i were to retain the few friends that i have now, my life would be perfect. as long as NOT ONE of them ditches me, especially those really close to me, i'd be happy. i have been blabbering about how important friends have been in my life, but i just realized some things that a lot of people would find surprising. since i am quite contented with my handful of friends, i no longer want to put as much effort as i used to in having new friends. it's quite tiring to put an effort to put your best foot forward when meeting new people. i'd rather spend much more time bonding with my friends than meeting new ones since it's gonna be a new ballgame if i had to. it's like you have to introduce yourself again and again. it's just too tiring. as i have said, i'd rather improve the quality of my relationships with my friends. it's when you get old that you realize that quality will always be more essential than quantity.

to date, i have lost 3 friends that i thought i could count on for the rest of my life--trisha, irene, and now criselle. i do feel bad that i had to part with them unideally. but then again, i no longer want to be dishonest and too understanding. i'm not saying that these people are not good. it's just i'd rather think of them as the wrong friends for me. if i were to be asked, i am no longer interested in being their close friend. but i do have to say, no regrets. we did have our good times, and i wouldn't want to discount them. i'm happier now with the people i am with.