my love affair with death and fireworks

only my good friends know this, and i wish they grant me this request: when i die, i want to have a grand fireworks display. it's obviously weird-- as one of my friends has said, "why want us to celebrate your death?" i don't know. maybe it is indeed a reason to celebrate. or maybe i just love fireworks so much that it's the last thing i would want to be seen with before i get to my final destination.

last night, being new year's eve, there were lots of fireworks display in major commercial areas of the region. unfortunately for me, i wasn't able to go to as planned because of my mother who has failed to give me this consolation for the second year in a row. i wanted to take some pictures in a chosen place (rockwell, ortigas, fort, makati), but thanks to her broken promises, i had to settle with taking pictures outside our house which was a but useless since everywhere around us, the houses are tall.

last december 20, when i had my reunion with some of my high school batchmates in greenbelt, there was a spectacular fireworks display. since my tears are very shallow, after the display, i almost cried, out of joy. among the group, i was probably the most awed. wishing that while watching the display, all my problems disappear. it was relatively long, took around 7 to 10 minutes i think. fireworks with mostly chirstmas colors of green and red were used. when we were talking about how much it costed ayala, my friend sheepishly said, "it's more or less parking collection for only half a day."

what is it about fireworks? well, maybe it's not usual you see one. it's not everyday that you get the feeling of celebrating with the rest of the people watching the display. it's not usual that we get to have a bright and colorful night. it's not everyday that you stop yourself from whatever you're doing and just appreciate the beauty of it. it's not everyday that you get that sentimental feeling which just pushes your problem away from you even just for that moment. for me, fireworks are signs of hope.

if there's such a thing as dream wedding, i thought of my dream burial. since i am a chinese who disgusts being one, i would not want any of the traditional chinese ceremony for the dead. i was born a catholic, and i would want to die a catholic. i would want the person closest to me to give the necrological speech. for my other friends, since i am a lover of music, i would want to request them to play a song which reminds him or her of me. as for my relatives, i would want them to go there not because they are my relatives, but because they have the real want to be there. i would want a coffin which is painted blue. and before i get buried, i want to donate the parts of my body. i don't really want to see the people i love cry. by the time i get buried to the ground, i'd want the setting to be sunset to night, then a fireworks display after. i would want to be buried in a field beside a beach. i should have my rosary with me. more than anything else, to my close friends especially, i would want to ask for their forgiveness as i am being brought down to the ground.

i wish i get to have all these. well, i can't really complain if i don't get this, since i would be dead by then. it's not that i am a morbid person, but maybe it's just i happen to have so much problems that i have always asked God when will my end come. i know death isn't the answer to all of my problems. there's so much to life that i want to do, to experience, to see. there are so many people i would want to ask for forgivess, to say thanks, to say somethings which were and would be left unsaid, to just say hi again. this year, i intend to do all these, before it all gets too late.