thoughts on the 9th of december, 2003

funny. whenever i am encountering few but heavy problems, i often remember what my dreams are. last week was still bit of a hell week for me, and at least for this one, i'm able to sleep well already. my history exam has been moved to next week, and i have started studying for it. the only problem you have when you're not so busy is that you tend to dwell on problems more.

i had a relatively good week last week except for the tiring workload. i have decided to postpone my job application indefinitely. i'm really poor at time management so i guess, i don't want to add another commitment to my list.

got a good news. i was invited to the students excellence award of P&G. if i am not mistaken, it means that i was one of the chosen students by my home department as a candidate for this one. considering that i have to do an essay and answer a qualification exam with math in it, my chances now are definitely thin. i joined for the hell of it. i won't lose anything anyway. i never told anyone in the family about it.

in my lifetime, i have realized something. christmas can only mean either two things: extreme happiness, or extreme depression. for now, since nothing really good good has happened, i guess i really am depressed, especially if i had a good christmas last year. despite the beginning of my parents' fight last year, my good friends were able to fill that empty spaces.

it's sad that as we grow older, the spirit of christmas fades away. when i went to a bazaar last sunday, and went around manila, i promised myself that when i have kids, i would stick to their mind that the two most important holidays in their lives would be their birthdays and christmas. my parents sort of deprived me of that. i never had the feeling of what noche buena is like. somehow chinese really hate christmas for some reasons that even i don't agree with. i remembered one of my close friends inviting me to celebrate chirstmas with them last year, saying something like, dito ka na lang magpasko, alam ko namang wala namang kuwenta sa inyo eh. i was tempted to, very much, but i'm not really comfortable with the idea of leaving my family. but in retrospect, i really regret that i didn't say yes to her invitation.

days after christmas would be the beginning of a new year. for the record, i don't think i have actually fulfilled any of my resolutions in the past. i sincerely hope i start as soon as i can, and at least the people around me--my family and my friends, would let me to. however, considering my family's situation, i am definitely going to have a hard time. but as soon as i earn enough money, courage, and a lot more, i would want to do the following:

1. move away from the house. i would either want to go to the states temporarily to at least help me forget about all the problems here in manila, get a condo somewhere here, or leave for a province.
2. go to boracay and pamper myself with a vacation. i haven't been to boracay since 5 years ago, i think. i also want to go to palawan, baguio (i really feel such a loser for not having been here in my entire life), fort ilocandia/ vigan, bacolod (to visit my friends there), and practically the whole country.
3. get a job. i hope to get into the field of advertising, pr, media.
4. fix the problems that i have to and want to fix (especially those that still have chances of being resolved). i still believe that it's not too late yet.
5. go on a retreat. need a peace of mind badly.
6. spend a lot of time with my cousins. i miss them bad, and everytime i see them, i just miss them more and more. i need them to be with me since they have a happy disposition in their lives. i don't know how they do it.
7. pay a visit and spend a day each with my good old friends. i miss them terribly.
8. actually fulfill my "things to do before i die" list.
9. visit my dead relatives in the cemetery.

... and the list goes on.

somehow, during chirstmas, ironies of all ironies happen. as much as i want to help make this world a happier place even for at least a month, i can't. maybe it's God's way of saying that christmas shouldn't be all happy in the meaning of happiness that we know.