random thoughts on the 13th of january, 2004

two nights ago, i had a hard time sleeping. i kept waking up in the middle of the night. i am being kept reminded of the problem i thought i had moved on from. i thought that i have already accepted my fate and i can now move on. it's probably just so hard to let go of something that you have well taken care of for a long time. since that night, the feeling of depression has been coming to my senses again. maybe it's really meant to haunt me for the rest of my life. maybe it's God's way of saying that i haven't done enough. or maybe it's God's way of saying that i lost something that i'm not meant to lose.

along with this, i have started contemplating on my future. just this afternoon, a fellow coursemate of mine and i were walking away from class together. we were saying to ourselves that it's just a year to go and poof, we'll hopefully be graduating. in 37 days, i'll be another year older. and technically, for those two decades, i don't even know if i really have done a lot to prepare me to enter the real world.

i still am deciding on my plan to pursue a double degree. if i do so, i would have to stay in school for another year, and if i am to take the subjects that are only required of me, i might be able to work part time. although this is a good plan, some of my friends are telling me not to pursue it anymore since some of the subjects that i will have to take are a lot similar to what i have taken for my current degree. plus, i will have to do another thesis just in case. another disadvantage if i were to pursue it, i wouldn't be able to leave my house sooner. meaning, i would have to stick with my family a little longer. i am in great confusion, and i wish i can get the answer as easy and as soon as possible. my time is running out.

right now, everything is so vague. from my career path to my relationships with others, i can't be firm on anything. i have come to a point where i am extremely lost. and it's sad that even if i do a lot to get back to it, it's never a one way street. the people i am hoping to help me have left and i am carrying so much more load than i am supposed to. my father's gone and i'm supposed to take his place in running errands for my mother. in a month's time perhaps, there would be a great war between my mom and my aunt who i have already learned to consider as my mother. this would mean that my relationship with my cousins might even be wounded. i don't know what to do with school anymore. i don't even know if i should start working this summer for practicum or take a vacation. i don't know how to start making money in order for me to leave the house. i am crippled.

it is quite depressing when i am expected to put on a show of being happy in school when i know that my life is a picture of a disaster. i know that there are some things that i should be glad about, but then again, somehow, it will never equate the value of the things that i lost along the way.

as much as i want to avoid crying, i couldn't. when i think about how my life has been, i can only see ironies. i have treated my family well, and they just seem to ruin my life, my dreams, my sources of happiness. i have done a lot to help so many people but i have never helped myself. i dream big, but reality only comes so frustratingly close yet left the essentials behind.

i am in the middle of nowhere. even if i asked for so many answers, all that comes to me are more and more questions. just a little bit more, and i might even lose my faith, which i am doing my best not to happen. i just wonder, what did i do to deserve all the happiness and this depression? i hope i can still be strong enough to lift myself up from this rubble.