friendships

current song on my pc: sweet thing by mary j. blige

if there's anything i hold so much with high regard (if not the highest), it's my friendships with the best among my friends. ever since prep, i was already being described as "friendly" by my batchmates and other friends. i don't deny the fact that i do seem to be a pleasant person at first and can start a conversation of about anything under the sun, but i guess, there are only few people who really know me inside out.

true, i would often say that with me, what you see is what you get. but i guess there's always something more, something deeper. an example of what i am referring to is when i get to be with a friend and there's no need for words to describe how one is feeling, yun bang you just know it.

my mind is easy to read, as my good friends would always say. what's really difficult to read maybe is the intensity of my emotions. yes it's easy to read my facial expressions, but to determine how i put so much dedication in a certain feeling is something that even i myself would admit, is quite hard to do.

i usually project a happy disposition. i am always thought to be one happy-go-lucky gal.
but what a lot of my friends don't know is that i really get mad, pissed, and even get depressed most of the time. i just don't show it. why? maybe because i'm scared to do so. i'm scared that people won't do an effort to understand why i feel that way.

however, most of the time, especially with my closest friends, i'm so shy to do so. because sometimes, they're just too preoccupied with sharing to me their problems, thus, i'd rather not share mine so i won't add to his/her problems. i remember, this was one of the debates that criselle and i had over a day at work. her stand was that she won't not share her problems to someone who's dealing with a problem of his/her own precisely because every relationship is a give-and-take one. if you don't share your problem, then it's just not being fair to your friend who's also willing to lend and ear to hear you out. but of course, my stubborn self answered criselle, that yeah, you're right and i got your point. i know that two heads are better than one and that it's just right to share your problems. but for me, that's merely an ideal set-up. with me, i'd think that, 'hey, my friend's having a problem, and i'd rather not share mine because it'll just add to her worries.' also, i think that being so would make me less selfish and less insensitive, and more considerate, because i just don't want to always think of myself. and she countered me by saying... "that's the problem why your friends tend to take you for granted. you see, if you let a relationship be a give-and-take one, then both of you would know what you mean to your friend and what your friend mean to you." right then, i knew she was right.

i am always being guilty of letting my friends have their way first. i am proud to say that i spoil so much of my good friends. i always find it hard to turn them down when they ask me to do them a favor. kumbaga, they'd treat me differently as to how they treat their other friends. with me, para bang walang hiyaan. and to be honest, i actually feel happy, because it's their honest selves that they're showing to me. criselle would always tell me that that's one of the biggest mistakes that caused me to lose some of my best friends or for them to take me for granted. until today, i still commit this same mistakes, and i guess i'll never learn from them.

i do feel bad that there are a lot of good friends that i turned away or lacked the time to bond with because i was too focused on my more closer friends. fortunately for me, these people have never attempted to give up on me. right now, i feel nothing but contentment with the real friends that i have.