uncertainties and hope

if there is one thing that i guess everyone is afraid of, generally, it's uncertainty. because i have resolved to be a more spontaneous human being, i have learned that the first step is to accept the reality that with spontaneity come uncertainties. for the first month of the year, i have gradually enjoyed being spontaneous and yet there is still a big part of me wanting to go back to the life of everything well-planned, everything with answers on my hands.

i hope i am saying this correctly. i guess it's not spontaneity that people dislike, but uncertainties. you see, it's human nature that we really don't like guessing. but, it also is human nature that we choose to go to the route of uncertainties. why? there's challenge. and of course, it's much more fulfilling to enter a dark room and discover it on your own than entering the door with all the answers. think birthdays. don't we all get a better feeling if people surprise us rather than us knowing about their preparation? life is all about mysteries and uncertainties.

i do have to admit though that my life crisis at present deals with uncertainties--if i'd get a job after grad, what kind of job will i be getting, will i be able to patch things up with my closest friend, will i miss my friends when we get to work, will they miss me when we depart school, will i get to move out of the house within the year, will i graduate, will i get a good grade in theology and philosophy (good enough to get me a honorable mention)...

and as i have said, it's not all easy. dealing with uncertainties is probably the perfect application of marcel's definition of hope. he says that the real meaning of hope is not biased towards the optimistic, pessimistic, nor the stoic side. when we hope, we don't really know what we're expecting. for instance, i'm not really hoping when i say, "i hope the cafeteria is still open after class so i can grab my favorite food." for marcel, hope means you're only aware of the now and never of the future. you don't even have an idea of what you're really hoping for. you don't even know why you're hoping. this is my philo teacher's example: let's say you have a beau that has been cheating on you for more than 20 times. and he finally says that he'll stop womanizing and be loyal to you just give him a chance. and you did. to most (if not all of the people), you'd be considered stupid. but to marcel, you are hoping. you don't know why you forgave him. you don't even know what this forgiveness will lead to. you don't even know what in store for you, your partner, and your relationship. you just forgive hoping that something happens, hoping that change happens. the act of hoping basically retains a level of ignorance and powerlessness, since you leave it all to something or someone else, not to yourself.

random thoughts on the 7th of feb, 2005

things to do this week:

1. finish my thesis revisions. thanks to sir sev, i have to do tons of them.

2. do the group theo paper and presentation for the 15th.

3. conduct studies for the secret deodorant presentation next week.

4. watch meet the fockers, a very long engagement, and shall we dance.

5. update my job applications.

6. visit ate duday at her condo in rockwell.

7. work.

8. go to wyeth office for class on thursday.

• most of the ateneo seniors are not going to have their dates this valentines. if they are, they'll probably have it in some group presentations.

• it's prom season once again, and just like don, i'm missing the feeling of preparing for prom. not that i super enjoyed my prom five and four years ago. what i miss the most is the post-event drinking sessions. try going to high schools around the metro and at least 5 out of all the girls in the class of every junior and senior are carrying a prom issue of either meg, candy, seventeen, or preview.

• globe and smart are complaining to ntc about sun's 24/7 unlimited. well, if the ntc sticks with their word that they'll priotize the welfare of the consumer, then globe and smart can just say goodbye to their complaints.

• i'm seriously thinking of getting a dog soon, depending on my application for the states. if it doesn't pushes through, might as well get a westie. the problem is, where do i find one?

• just an example of how hyporcrite the government is: according to repbulic act number 8042 (the migrant workers and overseas workers act of 1995), overseas employment shall not be promoted as a means to sustain economic growth and achieve national development. if it is indeed so, how come the government is actually pushing more and more filipinos to work abroad?

• so far, i have seen a lot of local news and current events programs doing documentaries on chinese/ chinese new year. even the government has declared tomorrow as a special working holiday. aren't those acts of sucking up to the chinese? for our own new year's day celebration, there were not a lot of special documentaries.

• yesterday, my driver ran over a black kitten. feel bad for the kitten. my mother, however, with her usual paranoia and dedication to supernatural beliefs, spent the whole day yesterday praying over the dead kitten, complete with incense and food offering and even went to the cemetery to pray over the dead souls of our relatives. weird huh?

• now that i don't have any money left, i wish to God i'll be able to save enough for the norah jones concert on the 12th of march and a pair of havaianas for palawan.

random thoughts on the 6th of feb, 2005

1. i did one of the most impulsive things i have ever done in my life: just this afternoon in the travel expo in megamall, i bought a round-trip ticket and a 3 days 2 nights vacation to puerto princesa palawan without even meaning to buy it. and the good news is, we're going to extend that to a 4 days 3 nights vacation with a honda bay island hop, aside from the included underground boat ride and city tour.

2. i'm seriously excited about working on our final project for strat plan--a creative brief for secret deodorant.

3. a thought that entered my mind while i was in dasma village: i just don't know if the rich are overreacting (too paranoid) or the country is indeed no longer a safe place to live in, no matter which part of the country you are. why? when i dropped my video camera to my groupmate's house there, her house, inside a guarded village, has its own guard and high walls and gates.

4. since wednesday, i have been in and out of the house. until next week, i will be maintaining the same routine. blame it on work and final group projects.

5. i haven't reloaded my 24/7 call and text unlimited.

6. last night, after helping out in my comtech friends' thesis, we had midnight snack at ice bergs. darn. was craving for ice monster but it was close for some odd reason.

7. tomorrow, don and i will be going to poea/owwa/an NGO for the ofws. only God knows what we're going to find out there.

8. i only got a 2.75 for my midterm philo orals grade. i even asked my prof for some constructive criticisms and all he said was okay. and he gave me such a freaking low grade? what an ass.

9. before orals last friday, the girl who came before me was such a weirdo. she comes up to me and my friend and asked, "di ba 9'o clock ang start? bakit wala pa si Lagliva?" my friend and i were just looking at each other and didn't really know what to say. all that was in our minds was what the hell?! we're panicking here for the orals and this crazy stranger comes up to us and expects us to answer a question that only our teacher and God knows the answer to. not only that. after a while, she sees us religiously reading our notes and the thesis statements and once again comes up to me and said, "wag ka na mag-aral. baka makalimutan mo lang yung naaral mo." what the hell?! can't she mind her own business?! and lastly, she once again comes up to me and asked, "bakit masama ang atitud siyentismo?", and i answered (with an obviously annoyed tone and look), "ah kasi may mga theories yun at nagseset lang yung ng limitations." seemingly unsatisfied with my answer, she again insistently asked, "bakit nga?!" and i no longer could control my patience then, so i had to say, "ah, you know, you can go figure from what i said. the answer's pretty much there with what i said."

random thoughts on the 3rd of feb, 2005

1. i am secretly hoping that our advertising teacher would give me name to the former country director of P&G for a possible shot at an employment there. God forbid. in spite of sending resumes i still haven't gotten any calls. i am losing hope. but really, i don't think i'd enjoy working in P&G, and besides, there's a small chance of my teacher giving my name after i fucked up orals with her last thursday.

2. i am in a dilemma. you see, 1430 to 1800 classes were supposed to be called off today for the university service awards and yet because our advertising teacher had already talked with the coke vp for export marketing guy, the talk couldn't be cancelled so she's calling off classes the week after next week. the problem is that of course, including me, all of the seniors are now secretly wishing that there'd be no finals for this class since our teacher is a bit forgetful and i think she's kind of forgetting that we have only until this month. the problem is, our teacher trusts me so much that she asks me about everything and my senior friends don't want me mentioning anything about the finals to her. but i also want to have that finals since it's my chance to redeem myself for the fucked up orals i did.

3. i was slightly bitten by my cousin's dog today. and he was chewing on my slippers. and i'm still in a good mood.

4. sir sev was funny yesterday. when i saw him for the events project consultation, he said that i'm a weirdo. after a closed door deliberation with my adviser for thesis, he saw me laughing all the way in spite of knowing i sort of fucked up defense. and he said, "yan si joyce po, parang bola yan na pagni-roll mo pababa, makulit, pilit magroroll pabalik pataas." and he added, "alam mo, ok naman yung thesis mo. kinukulit ko lang."

5. i'm learning to control my temper. hopefully, i'll get there soon.

6. i got my first zero in a quiz for theo. my theo teacher drew a sad face inside that big 0. she said she thought i got the wrong set but when she checked, the problem was really with me. the sad face was for her thinking that i didn't get to understand filipino well.

7. these past few days have been long days for me. prior to this week, i was no longer used to staying in the school from morning til late afternoon or even early evening.

8. tomorrow is my first philo orals and i haven't read a thing. God bless my soul.

9. on saturday, pyke and i will have a drinking spree. thank God.

10. it's less than three weeks. time flies so fast.

11. i went around UP today. i'm tempted to get a degree in film and/or sociology if i don't get to go to the states.

12. i talked with sid last night over the phone. God knows how much i miss that guy. and i thought you weren't serious about reading my blog! :D i promise to give your kylie cd as soon as we see each other in school.

13. finally. ate duday has sun. but the lazy 'ol me hasn't even bought load for the 24/7 call and text unlimited.

14. ate duday and i are going to have dinner soon. it's really something one must look forward to when having a law student as a close friend.

15. i might not go to boracay anymore knowing all the ateneans are going there in summer. palawan palawan palawan with my twin and doing nothing but adventure activities...

16. i need to get a haircut soon. i have been pulling a lot of strands with splitends lately. i have sort of mastered it already.

17. there's a lot in my advertising class that i get annoyed at. these people are irritating--two seniors and tons of juniors.

18. i like the medal i got for iac. it doesn't look cheap.

19. i have to brush up my photography skills.

20. i am serious about enrolling in a cooking school. i hope eric si serious too.

21. i miss sativa, bea's sister's dog. the problem is, sativa loves sid more. :D

22. i have lost weight since immersion. why? all they feed us there were innards, and beer.

23. i drank so much beer last weekend. miss it so much and i'm gonna have a lot more that's for sure.

24. defense is over. i feel like graduation is so near. but thanks to my failing grades in theo, i better pray twice harder.

25. i'm going to get paid for doing my friend's philo paper (which i had fun doing actually). it's about debunking descartes. you know how much i LOVE debunking stupid religious theories especially if they're too unrealistic.

26. one major thing i dislike about a lot of religions: their charismatic side. i'll never be fooled with their "praise the Lord" or the "alive alive" shits. oh and this i don't get, how come el shaddai believers fall for the trick of bro. mike? believers open their umbrellas invertedly in order to catch the invisible "spiritual money" that bro. mike velarde supposedly throws at them. weird huh?

random thoughts on the 2nd of feb

1. had my defense yesterday. nervousness killed it all. after the freaking formal 10 minute ++ powerpoint presentation, sir sev just bombarded me with questions. felt like he was a bit disappointed with my paper. got a b and plenty of revisions to do.

2. we just had the championship game for iac. we won. the aisec bench was pretty much a group of ass.

3. norah jones is coming on the 12th of march. finally, no more school and no more excuses for absenting myself from the concert.

4. theology is becoming such a pain in the ass. requirements are getting harder and harder to meet.

5. Just in case I’d die because of my physical condition, I might die due to high blood pressure.
6. According to a news report in Jessica Soho reports, in our country, jealousy is harmful. It can even kill. Filipinos are prone to jealousy, they say.
7. At least for tonight, the temperature has once again gone down.
8. I am presently watching tessa prieto-valdez in her show (with anton san diego and Johnny Litton) entitled look who’s talking. I find her annoying with her excessively colorful appearance and her nonsense way of interviewing.
today’s yaparazzi (tim yap’s weekly article in Philippine daily inquirer’s 2bu section) is just plain stupid. His cheesiness didn’t make me feel anything but confusion thinking because it’s not his usual self to be talking about something serious—commitment. And my two cents worth: stick with his usual social-climbing topics and his diary of events.
9. can I just pluck tessa’s fake eyelashes? I am very much tempted to.
10. one of my friends told me that she stresses over losing weight for their upcoming boracay trips.
11. here are some things i want to suggest to her: endoscopic balloon—the new anti-obesity procedure that costs 150k. according to the segment in Jessica soho, the girl who underwent the procedure lost 50 lbs. and around 18 inches.
lapban (?) surgery—the intestines are being twisted I think. And sadly, there has been a lot of unsuccessful operations. Some even led to death.