random thoughts on the 29th of december, 2003

since i entered college, i never took a break from school. i have been religiously taking summer classes even if i didn't have to. i did so since i wanted to take a lot lot more communication subjects as i cannot take a lot. this year, i am still thinking if i would be or not. depending on my decision if i still would want to pursue my double-degree or not. i am thinking otherwise because i want to start practicum and even maybe spend a month in a province or at a beach. i haven't gone out of town for more than a year now, so for a change, i would want to spend some time away from this region.

since the first week of december, upon leading a "new" life, i have started doing some things that i don't usually do. i have started spending much more time with my cousin, shopping with her from one tiangge to another, buying fake dvds and of course having my movie marathon, driving around town from alabang to qc to manila to greenhills to makati to even cavite, meeting up with my friends from high school who i haven't seen since last year and some even since two years ago, and SLEEPING (well, i have been doing this since forever, so this does not really count).

everything just feels weird. that's probably why people would rather have things maintained than let change take its course. to me, this weird feeling just makes me pause every once in a while to think about things. gone are the days when i can just do things without giving too much time to think first.

i'm getting old. that's the communal feeling that everyone has when reunion especially when december comes. by next year, i'll be twenty. it's not really a good feeling, but what i'm really looking forward to is turning 21, so i can go to vegas and spend half of my money trying my luck there. that is if i still get to reach that age alive. it's a bad feeling when you're in junior year, be it in high school and much more in college. way back in high school, during junior year, you get the feeling of having the authority to be a bully, BUT, you have that feeling of shit! i'm leaving high school in a year (both yehey and oh f*ck)-- in a year na lang, in a year pa.

in college, it's quite similar. except that leaving college means either grad school, or off to work. you get freedom in exchange of allowances, hanging out in school during breaks, early dismissal, professors (both good and bad), and obliged financial aid from parents. i'm not really sure if i'm ready for life after college. i hope i am, but you'll never really know when you're ready for something until it gets there. no matter how much i prepare for it, i'll never be.

when i broke the news to some of my fellow high school batchmates at our reunion about my parents' annulment case, i didn't really feel anything anymore. i was saying it as if i was just telling a story. little by little, i have become a numb human being (actually, there's no such thing because human beings are made with feelings), or actually, i have worn the mask of a being who chooses not to get affected anymore by some things that i usually am greatly affected with. i guess by now, i have started to balance my mind and my heart. when my old close friend would know about this, she'll be surely happy to hear about this. finally, i have started to realize the difference between stupidity and being genuinely nice. thanks kumag. i owe you this lesson. i owe you my growth as a person.

hopefully, in a few year/s time, i'll be leaving for the states. definitely, not for good. i want to die here, that's why. i have talked with a good friend of mine who's living in the states now, and she's going to let me stay at her place (thanks jacqie!). i'll just probably look for a job there, earn a lot, buy a mac, travel around and go back... and leave for europe.

the television is turned on now, and it's on the news. it's all about the death of a young actor. sayang. he was a bit good looking. from the testimonials of his collegues and relatives, he was sweet, malambing. i have always been talking about death and hearing about this death, the death of hundreds in leyte, the people in the california quake, the 100+ chinese because of a blast, and the death of the 40 thousand people in iran. along with this, the frequent fire calamities around the region. just sad to think about all these when the year is about to come to an end and start with a new one in just a few days away.

i'm hoping that despite having these bad events ushering in to the new year, next year would be a better year. much better for all of us.

two days before christmas

since classes ended, i have been going out. well, i wasn't really able to go out while there was still school, so it's justifiable. last saturday, i spent more than eight hours straight in makati. then left for a former schoolmate's house and went back to greenbelt after.

my day started with a saint jude-ateneo lunch at bubba gump. shrimps were great, but expensive. the hard part in having lunch in groups is that serving among yourselves would never be "fair". sadly, wasn't able to eat a lot of the viand, but nevertheless, the company matters more.

another thing i hate with going out in huge groups is that it's never productive. though we went to glorietta and rustan's, we never really got to buy something. we just move from one place to the other, stopping for about twenty to thirty minutes and come up with a conversation. that was how we basically spent the afternoon.

i was supposed to drop by the bowling team party at the house of my teammate--the one closest to me. i promised, but then again, i had to break it. one, i didn't want to leave again, for i would have to come back to makati, since i was supposed to meet up with my drinking buddies. two, i was already feeling lazy to commute to corinthian (where the bowling team party was held). three, i miss my highschool buddies, and if i skipped the dinner with them, i might not have another chance of seeing them again until years.

after midnight, back at greenbelt, my friend and i met up and we spent an hour or two at aubar. the band was terrible. i was out of the night scene for more than three months. i was expecting to feel unfamiliarity, but i didn't. the songs the band was playing were the songs that we danced to in our HIGH SCHOOL prom. jeez! the crowd were leaving and there weren't many people left.

i used to have high tolerance in alchohol drinks, but since i have been "behaved" for quite a while, i got dizzy after my first 5 gulps of beer. but, i wasn't throwing up or drunk at least. i'm guessing it's because of the "light" dinner i had.

sunday, my "family" went out for dinner again at greenbelt. we ate at good earth. the food was good, but quite expensive. their green tea was great, and good thing it's refillable. the main motive of the dinner was to meet with my long lost brother, the one who got kicked out of the house more than six years ago. i miss him, but i couldn't talk with him as much as i wanted to, since i found the dinner pathetic. my parents were pretending to be okay, making stupid conversations, and my other brother, was fu"king up the dinner as well.

a fu*@ed up morning

last night, i was so busy. imagine, in one night, i drove to three cities: quezon city, mandaluyong, and marikina. thank God, traffic wasn't so bad, 'cos i had to rush to have my projects (note: plural) done, and pick up my brother from his christmas caroling. i got home at around twelve, and i was supposed to wake up at two for continuing the project, and of course, in time for simbang gabi... but i woke up at six. the worst thought was that i wasn't able to attend the mass. although i can still make up for it with six o' clock mass that i would be attending in a while, it's still not the same. i still hope that God can forgive me for this and my christmas wish still gets to come true.

another bad thing was that my driver was late again. i had a class at seven thirty, but he showed up at our doorstep at around 7:20. good thing that there wasn't any quiz for philo. after philo, i had to rush to help my groupmate finish the other project. well, the ending was that our teacher didn't show up. good thing that it was so, since we forgot to finish another requirement.

on the lighter side, we had exchange gifts for philo class. i got a cd from a classmate whom i hardly talk with. cd with chopin songs. also, felt good that at least i can say that i am a good crammer but i guess i do have to change my attitude to be a more responsible person.

thoughts on the 13th of december, 2003

i can't wait to get my hands on a digital camera. i need one. forgive me for my being outdatedness, but it was just last thursday night when the wonder of digital cameras finally sank in. anyway, i envy my cousins because they have almost everything (material and otherwise) that i want-- billiards table, mahjong table, table tennis table, a new house, pc with cd writer, a newly-acquired air hockey table, dvds, my ps2, and the list goes on. can someone be generous enough to gift me one, and a cd-writer?

last thursday night, for my television studies class, we watched this reality tv show from nbc called for love or money. although i don't really feel thrilled watching reality as much as other people do, but this got me hooked. the mechanics of the game is similar to the bachelor and the bachelorette. so for the first season, there were tons of girls and just one guy who chooses who gets eliminated or not. so each girl has her chance of making the guy (his name is rob) fall in love with her for her not to get eliminated. so towards the end, when there is only one girl left (which was erin), the show doesn't end yet. rob gets to choose between the girl (erin) or one million dollars. since he liked the girl, he chose erin... but, erin chooses the money over him.

so here comes the second season, this time, it's the other way around. erin comes back and becomes the girl who chooses over the guy contestants. (our teacher only showed this part in this class.) during the episode where there were only three guys left, rob came back. yup, the guy who actually was rejected by the same girl on national television. so there, he stayed for one more episode, and eventually was rejected again for the second time, by the same girl, on the same show. when there were only two guys left na lang, our killjoy teacher had to turn the vcr off since it was time for lecture. damn it. try watching it over the net. my descriptions might merely be understatements.

last night, i had a great time with my cousin and my aunt. it was my second time to shop at the world trade center bazaar by worldbex for bantay bata. however, before i felt the pleasure, there was pain. since i was the one driving. the traffic was so bad, there was no parking slots, and at the same time, the parking slots in the location was awful-full of dead ends without signs, the stupid guards collecting money even before getting a slot, and giving out so many tickets without knowing that the parking was already full. good thing that the bazaar closes late at midinight. anyway, the bad thing was almost everything that i returned for was sold out, and the people there were asking me to come back again either today or tomorrow. i don't have the luxury of time. also, i regret not getting the fake girbaud wallet for only 150 bucks, and at the same time, the green silky feel shirts that are factory overruns of old navy and gap. the west ice that was so cheap that i plan to sell in school and make a living out of it and to give to my smoker friends ran out of stock too. the sponge bob slipper socks was sold out too. darn it. but nevertheless, it was still fun. we arrived at the venue at around 2015h and spent thirty to forty-five minutes for seeking a parking slot, and we left world trade center at say twenty minutes to midnight. bought my brother a coca-cola baseball bat. i want one too.

thoughts on the 9th of december, 2003

funny. whenever i am encountering few but heavy problems, i often remember what my dreams are. last week was still bit of a hell week for me, and at least for this one, i'm able to sleep well already. my history exam has been moved to next week, and i have started studying for it. the only problem you have when you're not so busy is that you tend to dwell on problems more.

i had a relatively good week last week except for the tiring workload. i have decided to postpone my job application indefinitely. i'm really poor at time management so i guess, i don't want to add another commitment to my list.

got a good news. i was invited to the students excellence award of P&G. if i am not mistaken, it means that i was one of the chosen students by my home department as a candidate for this one. considering that i have to do an essay and answer a qualification exam with math in it, my chances now are definitely thin. i joined for the hell of it. i won't lose anything anyway. i never told anyone in the family about it.

in my lifetime, i have realized something. christmas can only mean either two things: extreme happiness, or extreme depression. for now, since nothing really good good has happened, i guess i really am depressed, especially if i had a good christmas last year. despite the beginning of my parents' fight last year, my good friends were able to fill that empty spaces.

it's sad that as we grow older, the spirit of christmas fades away. when i went to a bazaar last sunday, and went around manila, i promised myself that when i have kids, i would stick to their mind that the two most important holidays in their lives would be their birthdays and christmas. my parents sort of deprived me of that. i never had the feeling of what noche buena is like. somehow chinese really hate christmas for some reasons that even i don't agree with. i remembered one of my close friends inviting me to celebrate chirstmas with them last year, saying something like, dito ka na lang magpasko, alam ko namang wala namang kuwenta sa inyo eh. i was tempted to, very much, but i'm not really comfortable with the idea of leaving my family. but in retrospect, i really regret that i didn't say yes to her invitation.

days after christmas would be the beginning of a new year. for the record, i don't think i have actually fulfilled any of my resolutions in the past. i sincerely hope i start as soon as i can, and at least the people around me--my family and my friends, would let me to. however, considering my family's situation, i am definitely going to have a hard time. but as soon as i earn enough money, courage, and a lot more, i would want to do the following:

1. move away from the house. i would either want to go to the states temporarily to at least help me forget about all the problems here in manila, get a condo somewhere here, or leave for a province.
2. go to boracay and pamper myself with a vacation. i haven't been to boracay since 5 years ago, i think. i also want to go to palawan, baguio (i really feel such a loser for not having been here in my entire life), fort ilocandia/ vigan, bacolod (to visit my friends there), and practically the whole country.
3. get a job. i hope to get into the field of advertising, pr, media.
4. fix the problems that i have to and want to fix (especially those that still have chances of being resolved). i still believe that it's not too late yet.
5. go on a retreat. need a peace of mind badly.
6. spend a lot of time with my cousins. i miss them bad, and everytime i see them, i just miss them more and more. i need them to be with me since they have a happy disposition in their lives. i don't know how they do it.
7. pay a visit and spend a day each with my good old friends. i miss them terribly.
8. actually fulfill my "things to do before i die" list.
9. visit my dead relatives in the cemetery.

... and the list goes on.

somehow, during chirstmas, ironies of all ironies happen. as much as i want to help make this world a happier place even for at least a month, i can't. maybe it's God's way of saying that christmas shouldn't be all happy in the meaning of happiness that we know.

another death of a young one

after a month of hearing about the death of an atenean freshman, last friday, our theo teacher told us of a junior high school povedan who hung herself in front of her boyfriend's (or her ex's) house.

as usual, there are a lot of versions of the story. a blockmate told me that this girl (who already had suicidal tendencies before when her boyfriends would leave her) felt bad that her ex already have a new girl despite the recency in their break-up. she couldn't accept it, so when she was hanging herself on the tree outside the house of the guy, she called him and told him to look out the window. the guy, who was probably seeing the worst thing that anyone could see, was shocked, didn't go out to cut the rope, but instead asked the maids to. it was too late. she was dead. and now, some people from poveda are branding the new girl of the guy as a murderer.

another version was that when the girl told the guy that she's going to kill herself, the guy said it's okay as long as not in his house. so there.

after the death of miriam defensor's son, here comes another one. according to a lot of people her son killed himself because he couldn't bear the treatment he was receiving, plus the fact that he failed in ateneo law. in up law school, he actually passed the written exam, but during the interview, he was told that alam mo bang baliw ang nanay mo?!. eventually, he ended up taking law in the ateneo. there he failed a 3-unit subject in constitution (he felt shame since his mom is a constitutionalist) and another 4-unit subject. my friend said that there's a law in ateneo law school that if one fails 7 units, he has to leave. so there.

this is actually a bad year for a lot of us. it's really getting annoying. as much as i want to feel immune to it, i can't. i'm so scared that one day, i just might be reading a friend's name or some relative of mine in the headline of the newspapers. kidnappings are everywhere, and even if i'm not rich, i am a potential victim because of the race that i belong to (which i feel nothing for it but disgust). and it's scary 'cos a sibling of a good friend/ far relative of mine was actually kidnapped months ago.

last sunday, i learned that our family's lives are in danger as well. according to my mom, my stupid dad just made an enemy out of some hot shot who is part of the chinese triad or something. since my stupid dad actually stole his "girlfriend" to be his mistress, mr. gangster is planning on a revenge through... us! great isn't it?

oh, and by the way, for the readers here be warned. the usual trend of kidnappings nowadays, they say, is that before the kidnappers release their victims, they ask them to give 5 or more names which can be a potential victim. of course, we can always think of why not inventing crazy names or mentioning celebrities to at least spare yourself from saying your friends' names and addresses. but, since the kidnappers basically either are connected with government authorities or are authorities themselves, they can of course verify the information you give them. so good luck!

feel free to amputate me

i cut my first class today to finish my history paper due in less than two hours time. this week has been again another stressful one. i'm really starting to regret overloading and waking up early for six days a week. damn. i miss playing my ps2, miss my cousins, miss a lot of my friends, miss going out and having good drinks, and all because of school.

last saturday, right after class, my friend and i had to rush to her house eat lunch and get ourselves ready for the bowling marathon. forty games for a team of four. so everyone in the team had to play ten games. obviously, we didn't have a shot at winning, so we just played since it was required. we started at around one thiry in the afternoon, and i ended at around ten thirty. my other teammates finished way later.

despite having done the usual routine of warming up, my body was hurting like hell last sunday. i really wanted someone to amputate me. it reminded me of the pain we felt when we had our sunday practice for softball way back in high school. shoot! now i'm missing the sport.

anyway, my left arm now has a more "defined" triceps and biceps. now, it's not balanced with my right. also, i pigged out last week. with my constant craving of gogo sandwhich and fried chicken, i ate them for two days straight, and i'm still craving for more.

last sunday, i drove all the way to manila to go to the national museum. felt bad 'cos i had to go to manila again yesterday since the other museum, the met, is closed on sundays, while the national museum is closed on mondays. anyway, because last sunday was a holiday, the traffic was so bad. there was a rally along españa and quiapo, and since everyone else was avioding it, everyone was taking the alternative routes.

it's the second time i went to the national musuem for this year. every student taking spanish for foreign language is required to do so. luckily, this time, there were three new exhibits-- the ramon valera terno exhibit, the rice exhibit, and the one that i enjoyed most, the camera club of the philippines exhibit. the pictures were great, especially those by my new favorite--patrick uy. words aren't enough to describe them with justice, so just pay a visit as soon as you can.

it's 23 days before christmas and i haven't started shopping yet. next week, i would be having tons of exams, papers, and requirements to fulfill. darn it!